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Discussion Starter · #1 ·

we definitly need a break from that pointless and yet strangely heated discussion.

I pulled this out of the archives and sent it to my dad who promptly pees his pants laughing.


Chilli Tasting......

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It
takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and
besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so
I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now.
Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to
look HOT?just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an

Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pi**es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Stuff those ********!

Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Judge # 3 - I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli,
which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which
matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude,
wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

390 Posts
Now I'm hungry for chili. :)

236 Posts
I read that before but it still had me laughing again..

1,127 Posts
I am not sure that talking about "Chili" is getting away from a hot topic! Ha, Ha!

SheepDog :2rifle:

503 Posts
This is also funny, from my dad.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi happened to
appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?' 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.' 'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi. Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'' Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't
know much about history.'

Sorry Dog-not too far from the topic, but I couldn't resist ;D

6,835 Posts
I hadn't read that one Jack-O, thanks for the laugh.

3,296 Posts
Funny stuff!

My wife and I are veterans of chili wars. We've won a couple of local contests and she's judged a couple, too. One of the secrets of great chili is oven roasting your own peppers. It smells heavenly: You can smell it on the other side of the block. And we use three different kinds of peppers -- mostly anchos, but a few habaneros and these other long, shoestring chilis. Anchos are only medium hot, and they give this great, smoky character to the stew. The others provide the heat and some tang.

Unfortunately, my wife only speaks two languages -- English and Hillbilly, no Spanish at all. And a lot of chilis look alike. So one day, instead of a big bag of dried anchos, she comes home with a big bag of dried habaneros and pops 'em into the over. They smell a LOT stronger than usual. She takes them out and drops them into a grinder and hits the button. It was like firing pepper spray in the kitchen. It was actually burning her hands, never mind her eyes.....

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